After hours of shlepping box after box....in and out of the elevator...I sit here, on my cold floor, remembering all that has transpired inside these wals the last 2 years. All the friends, and the lovers. All of the conversations, the screaming matches, and cry fests. Every single joint every song ...every smile....every tough time.. every glass of wine and every good time. It all happened here, with you.
When you share space, you share life, and we have shared alot these 2 years.
I sit here alone on the cold floor, and I can feel the energy of our lives here, disapearing.
A new beginning will come of this. A new energy, energy that will only get thicker every passing day in the comming years.
Fresh. New. Start.

Well, its getting closer to moving day...only 4 days left till Jen flys the coop, and I relocate to my new nest, all by my lonsome. I have to say though, I am looking forward to it. Freedom to do and be what ever I want is extremly tempting...and I cant wait its like a new beginning again. My life needs that right now, and I think with the passing of recent events, its about damn time! I think I deserve a bit of "me" space.
I have been doing well over the last little while, hanging out with some good friends, and some old friends too. Work is chugging along nicely, so far, and hopfully I can keep it that way. Things feel ok. For the first time in a long while, I feel OK.
Go team Gail.

The EMO revolution...



There comes a point in your life, where you have to know where to draw the line....
It can be hard to see the line, or you may see it , bright as day, but you cross it anyway...and dont mind...

Note: BEING A HUMAN DOOR MAT IS NOT OK!!

you know who you are......

I know the pain of low self esteem, of depression..........I know it all to well.....
but there came a point..where I had to draw the line...it took years....and it took the concern of others....but I found the line.
The time is NOW!
Stand up!
Reunite with your self worth...because you ARE worth it...and if you dont beleive it.....
you are only banishing yourself to a life of solitude.....no matter how much that might not bother you....it will catch up, and it will be to late then.
Save your sissors.
xoxo

So today was my last day of "vacation" and I gota tell ya, even though Ive been feeling way down, deeper then Ive been in a while........the time that I have had off has been a god send.
I have a good ways to go still, however, Im feeling alot better about my mental state and also I feel like I now can actualy start to get better.
Balance is the key.Im still learning how to do acheive the balance I need, but I have had the weight of extra stress lifted off of me while I start the prosess, and for that I am greatful.
Like I said, I still have a long way to go, and I know there will be times when things feel tough..but I have learned how to be aware of my mood, and when I realize Im feeling down I have to counter act that feeling by doing somthing I enjoy. Mabey reading a book on my lunch break, or listing to an uplifting song, or painting and being creative at home after a rough day.
If I can master my emotions and my mood, and activley work to change the negative feelings that will pop up in my everyday life............and I can realy start to change.
This is extreamly releiving to me. I feel like I can realy do this. One step at a time, I can control how I feel.
I am a bit aprehensive about how other people may preceive my mission to have a new outlook. Im not sure why but I am.
I guess I just need to remember that Im doing this for ME. I am just going to have to do whatever I need to make sure I can make it through a day in one piece.
Because at the end of the day, when I get home............Its still ME and MY life I have to keep in order....not anyone elses. My personal health and success is my bottom line, and I have to keep that as my main focus...everything else can wait.

Me and Marissia. I've known this girl since I was 15. I havent seen her in a while so i thought Id post our pic.
xoxo Love ya Moe!

Best book ever......I you feel lost, this will help you figuer out how to find yourself again.

Thank you Laura, for giving me this book.
I love you

I've been painting alot latley.
Its a good thing.
I thought I'd forgotten how it felt.
A Palet knive scraping on clean canvas, is music to my ears.
What if I'd gone deaf and never heard it ever again?
I will never stop painting things.....ever....
I dont even care what it is that I paint.
I just want to pick up that Palet knife and build layers of each passing day on that canvas.
I dont care how long it takes untill its finished.
Im dedicated to making sure that it comes out just right.

Colours to suit each emtotion.
What ever coulour is best, to suit my passing mood is what will be on display.
Its like throwing all you have ever thought and all youv have ever experienced
onto a white canvas, and showing it to all who will look.
It leaves you bare.
Bare of those coulours.
Once again, you yourself have become the blank canvas....
awaiting a new wardrobe of emotions......full of different colours.....
Its a cycle that will never stop.
Thats why I will never stop


~Gail

Today, I am a shell of myself.
Im not really there on the inside, though outward apperances seem to say the opposite.
I havent "felt" for a day or so. Im empty and numb.
The world seems like a giant void to me. Trying to suck me in.......and its working. Ive been smoking since morning........my bong serves me well.
mabey a little too well.
My father called me the other day. I looked at the name on the screen, and rejected the call. I dont know what do say to him, or her, for that matter.
He called again yesterday, telling me that my mother dosnt know im on "vacation" for 2 weeks. (i feel like a mental patient in my own home)
My father drove me home the day I left work, I hated needing him for that, but Ive gotten used to the fact that I know he will let me use him.
He asked me not to mention to my mother that I broke down at work, because "it would set her off" So, again......................I keep my mouth shut, and pretend like everythings ok. I go along with it because to my mother, I dont matter, its allways about her and what Ive done to her. She never recognises the fact that Im fuckd up to....or that it might be because of her.
She had another stroke.
I think that makes 5.
Guess what caused her lattest stroke, thats right ME! I stressed her out when I told her about some shit that was going om with me. WELL BOO FUCKING HOO!!
GOD! IM SICK OF THIS SHIT, SOMETIMES I WISH SHE WOULD STOP THRETENING TO KILL HERSELF AND JUST FUCKING DO IT ALLREADY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR BITCH? NONE OF US WANT YOU HERE. ILL EVEN SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT FOR FUCK SAKES!SOMETIMES YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING MAD.
but.......ive yelled at you like this before.......worse that this.......and Im terrified that If I get the chance to tell you to your face how i feel about you.........you may actualy do it......and than I would have to do it to.
I know how I would......

What you did to me made meSee myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myselfBut I just won't listen
Won't you go away
Turn yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
He came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well
*~Fiona Apple~*

I awoke today around 8:00, and couldnt force myself to sleep in.My thoughts were racing around in circles.
Its a grey cloudy day, making it hard to keep cheery.
Ive decided that I need to realy distance myself from certain members of my family, and define my relationships with some of the others. Easy to say, hard to do.
I dont want to fell obligated, or guilted anymore. Ive done that for too long, and its time to take back MY LIFE! I need to do things for myself, not for everyone else. My therapists says Ive been doing everything for everyone but myself, and that its realy unhealthy. (I could have told her that!) Ive spent 12 years putting a fake smile on my face, and pretending like everything is ok, because my family wanted me to. It stops here and now.I reffuse to be what they want me to be. (again, easy to say hard to do)
I broke down like this once before, when I was about 13. But, it was much worse than, and Im scared that I might get to that low point again. Amongst all the possitive talk, I still have reacuring negative, harmfull thoughts, and its hard to snap out of it.This is getting hard.....too dificult...
ok, I cant write anymore......my brain hurts....I should get back to being numb........

I stepped into my new therapist's "office".....scared, ancious and full of nerves.Feeling like I was crazy. I sat down, and before I even got a chance to sign the papers, I was crying.
This is going to be the most painfull part of my journey, but I wont stop untill I learn how to stop fighting with my inner demons, and resolve them insted.
REAL LIFE KEEPS REERING ITS UGLY HEAD.
All I wanted to do after, was sleep. It was so physicaly draining, I diddnt realize it would be that bad.I felt like passing out in the car home.
I have to learn to talk to the people I trust, witch are hard to distinguish, because I thought I could trust so many.I was wrong.I dont even trust myself half the time.
I have to admit, I am pretty fragile right now, I cry in a matter of seconds, for no reason, other then I feel so sad. I finaly got into bed, and received a phone call from a "comcerned friend" I cant figure out how SOMEONE could think that telling me to "keep my options open" could possibly help the situation at the present time. Do you think I really need to hear that kind of negitive thing at this point?? I DONT! Im trying my hardest to stay possitive, and I will succeed. I can handle my own shit as far as providing for myself, or finding an alternate funding option for my living expences, if worse comes to worse. But it wont, cause Im going to get better, I want to get better, and going to learn to find the excape from my personal life that I need to find in my daily tasks and my daily life at work.
Im angry that I feel like Im being told that I wont succeed, and that I will louse my job as a result. Well fuck that shit!! because I have figured out who I can and cant trust, and who I should and shouldnt open up to and whos advise I should take. I have now learned that Im not going to take your advise anymore!
Life is full of people who dont care if they bring you down, but the difference now, is that Im not going to let them.
Im going to bounce back. Im going to feel good about myself, and I dont need you to tell me otherwise.
so keep your negitivity to yourself!!