Today, I am a shell of myself.
Im not really there on the inside, though outward apperances seem to say the opposite.
I havent "felt" for a day or so. Im empty and numb.
The world seems like a giant void to me. Trying to suck me in.......and its working. Ive been smoking since morning........my bong serves me well.
mabey a little too well.
My father called me the other day. I looked at the name on the screen, and rejected the call. I dont know what do say to him, or her, for that matter.
He called again yesterday, telling me that my mother dosnt know im on "vacation" for 2 weeks. (i feel like a mental patient in my own home)
My father drove me home the day I left work, I hated needing him for that, but Ive gotten used to the fact that I know he will let me use him.
He asked me not to mention to my mother that I broke down at work, because "it would set her off" So, again......................I keep my mouth shut, and pretend like everythings ok. I go along with it because to my mother, I dont matter, its allways about her and what Ive done to her. She never recognises the fact that Im fuckd up to....or that it might be because of her.
She had another stroke.
I think that makes 5.
Guess what caused her lattest stroke, thats right ME! I stressed her out when I told her about some shit that was going om with me. WELL BOO FUCKING HOO!!
GOD! IM SICK OF THIS SHIT, SOMETIMES I WISH SHE WOULD STOP THRETENING TO KILL HERSELF AND JUST FUCKING DO IT ALLREADY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR BITCH? NONE OF US WANT YOU HERE. ILL EVEN SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT FOR FUCK SAKES!SOMETIMES YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING MAD.
but.......ive yelled at you like this before.......worse that this.......and Im terrified that If I get the chance to tell you to your face how i feel about you.........you may actualy do it......and than I would have to do it to.
I know how I would......